Tips, Tricks, Thoughts & Ideas
Stuck in a Loop? Here's How to Get Out
Wake up, smoke a bowl, grab coffee, check your phone, start with texts, then insta, then twitter, maybe snap, pop over to email, back to insta, watch some stories, oh yeah! dating apps, forgot I signed up for those, might as well see if anyone cute is on there. Blech, back to insta, hit the explore page, save some dog vids, ooh, a text! Message for twenty minutes, smoke another bowl, lay down and scroll awhile, get up, needing another coffee.
Broke. Go to work, make some money, feel ok, take a shower, go to sleep, wake up, pay some bills, Broke. Go back to work, make some money, feel ok, shower, sleep, buy something practical that you need for your actual life, clean the house. Buy groceries and paper towels. Broke. Go to work. Make some money. Feel actually good because you’re finally caught up. Decide you’ve worked really hard, you deserve a reward. Splurge. Fuck! Broke! And your hamstring really hurts from overworking! Work. Make a little bit of money. Go home, shower. Feel bad. Take two days off, spend your little bit of money. Broke. Go to work.
Meet. Kiss. Fuck. Catch feelings. Show vulnerability. Drop boundaries. Obsess. Fall in love. Casual Belittling. Actual Fights. Time apart. More obsessing. Overkill Apologies. Drop boundaries. Desperately fall back in love. Casual Belittling. Actual fighting. Overkill Apologies. Show vulnerability. More obsessing. Actual Fighting. Time apart extends. Actual break up. Boundaries rebuild. Purpose becomes restored. Meet. Obsess. Kiss. Catch feelings. Drop Boundaries. Fuck. Show vulnerability. More obsessing. Casual belittling. Triggers past experience. More obsessing. Self harm. More obsessing. Actual fights. Overkill apologies. No boundaries. Desperately fall back in love.
The Security of Self Policing
harmreduction.org
trigger warning: violence, stalking, kidnapping, sexual assault
Today is International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, and although the stripper community is divided on whether or not we (and full service sex workers) think we should don the term "sex worker," I personally consider stripping to be sex work, so I'm celebrating our only holiday with action. For years, this day has passed and I've felt helpless, knowing that because of my job, I am considered less valuable to society and less likely to be looked for if I mysteriously went missing, because society believes that it's less likely that anyone gives a fuck about me enough to bother. If I start to internalize it, the anxiety can grow to deafening heights. Sometimes weeks pass without family calling me, it's true. I do live in a state all alone without my partner or a single relative. Sometimes my friends disappear into boyfriendland, self care isolation tanks, hobbies, or insane work schedules, and come to think of it, I do spend a lot of time alone. Fuck. What if I went missing? And so it goes, the cyclical nature of isolation, fear, and shame that comes with the territory of making your living on the margins of cultural normality.
When I look back at the past sixteen years I've spent in this industry, there have been a few things that have quelled this knowledge that my case would go cold, that my pets could be feasting on my corpse before anyone found me dead in my apartment, and that the biggest threat to my survival on this planet is men, even if I were a non-marginalized, civilian woman! None of the things that have made me feel better have involved a change of policy that would protect my rights (although I urge you to continue to fight for amnesty for all sex workers and never stop fighting, but it hasn't happened in my career so....), none of them have hinged on the fantasy of the boys in blue suddenly discovering that I am an actual human being with rights, none of them have been with hope that men will wake up to the fact that their bloodlust is secretly rooted in fear and embarking on a journey of peace and self-discovery. The things that have made me feel better existed here, in my physical realm, and there was something I could do about them. I have felt helpless in times, we all have, but action has been the only thing that has made me feel safer,and sharing my own hacks I've figured out over the years makes me feel less helpless. Here are some of my things.
Turning on Hey Siri
Someone following you home from work? Boyfriend getting too aggressive? Got drugged by a customer and starting to lose consciousness? Locked in a fucking trunk? "HEY SIRI, CALL 911." "HEY SIRI SEND MY LOCATION TO MAN WITH GUN." "HEY SIRI, I LOVE YOU." So far, I haven't had to use her, but the fact that she's there when I need her really makes me feel better.
Carrying a fully charged external charger
I am working on keeping my phone charged but in the meantime, I have a backup.
Avoiding Confrontation in the first place
I carry a large, visible taser when walking down the street alone. Knives are not ideal protection against attackers (they require training to use properly and are better as a back up weapon than a primary). I'm not into knives as self defense tools because the idea to me is to avoid having to have to engage in any hand to hand combat in the first place. A bat or a baton gives you reach and visibility so that it never can be wrestled from you. Furthermore, men are more likely to avoid a woman openly carrying a large weapon that could fuck them up beyond recognition. Cat callers look away from me late at night when I have my stick. I am not the one.
Always using the same cab driver AND i check license plates of ubers
A woman I know was dragged down the street by a driver posing as an uber driver, and years ago in New Orleans multiple dancers went missing from a person posing as a cab driver. Being diligent and using someone I trust helps, but if my driver ever starts to get invasive, I also won't hesitate to switch drivers.
Turning location sharing on and sharing location with a couple trusted people
They don't need to be best friends, they need to be people who would notice if you didn't come home for a couple days. My two neighbors, my bestie, two out of state friends, two full service babes, a couple girls from the club and I all share locations. I don't ever worry about my privacy, these people all respect me, but I do feel safer when I go out on a date or out to work and my stripper friends can easily check up on me and I can check up on them that they made it home.
Getting to know the women at work
Again, you don't need to be close but you need to know the basics! Knowing the girls you work with, where they live, who their friends are, and adding them on social media can be crucial to keeping them safe and knowing when they might need a little extra support. When we are hurting emotionally is when we tend to over-drink and take risks we wouldn't normally take. Knowing when a coworker is going through a tough time and using your powers of empathy to communicate and support them can keep them from making scary decisions. You should offer this support and also allow space to receive it from others. For some of us it's hard to open up at all, but you deserve to be loved when you are feeling down and out, you don't need to spiral. Let us have your back. We will. There are fucking amazing people in this industry.** We are extreely privileged to have a community, not all SW's have that. Let's take advantage of it and offer our support to our community, violence starts at home so it can end here, too. We have more power than we give ourselves credit for.
Taking shots not drinks
I don't leave an opportunity for someone to drug my cocktail. Straight from the bartender to me, never let them "go grab you a drink." Go with him! Weee, adventure!
Keeping customers off private social media
I never put customers on my real social media, and even that I use a fake last name. No matter how squishy it makes them feel or how much it seems like it helps my hustle, letting customers follow me on social media not only kills my mystique, it gives them access to my family, close friends, location, and friends list. The best strip club customers are still strip club customers. I love them for what they do for me, but I don't give them that kind of access to my private life, not just for my safety but for the safety and privacy of my loved ones and coworkers.
Googling
He is googling you, so keep your identity tight and don't send pictures that you use on social media with your legal name. Reverse image search will reveal all. I take separate photos to send to custies. You should google him, too, if you plan to ever see him outside the club or he becomes a regular. Catch a glimpse of his ID and do your research before you ever see a customer outside the club. (By the same token, don't leave with guys you just met that night, and if you're going to party, always bring your own supplies even if you "know him.")
Maintaining a fake phone number service
I use this phone number for alias social media accounts, alias emails, customers, pretty much everything that is business related.
Registering a PO box
Voila, permanent mailing address. You need to put a legal name on a PO box, but you can also put a company name. If you register an LLC or a DBA, you can also file your taxes as a business and not as a 1099 employee. Talk to your lawyer or accountant about registering an LLC or DBA under any name you'd want to use for wishlists, modeling jobs, features, or side businesses you may be building and use that business name for your PO Box to get around the legal name loophole.
Making Boundaries and respecting them.
Yep. Respect your own boundaries. Decide how much of your life is safe to divulge and stop there with everyone. The men who hurt sex workers are rarely the ones who pop out from behind the bushes and attack, they are men that we trust. Hustlers are smart and we don't put ourselves in random weird situations with strangers. We don't let our guard down ever, really, and true predators know this and half the fun for them is getting around those boundaries. Recognize that the men who work hard to gain the trust of all of the girls and employees. I am not saying they're all bad but shit, I've worked at clubs where the DJ was date raping dancer after dancer for yers and no one did anything about it because he was cool, cute, and girls kept going out with him. The people who try and get around your personal boundaries the most should be the people you watch the closest. I know of women who have brought their kids on dates with customers because talking about their child and their needs helps them hustle money. Please don't do this. I am not judging a person for doing what they need to to get money, but please always make sure that your dependents are somewhere safe whenever you are hustling. I know girls have married men they met at work, and sure there's always the exception, but almost all of the serial killers we know of so far have been people who are unsuspected, loved, and cherished by their community. Real good guys.
No painting red flags pink
In my trauma recovery, I learned to take full account of abusive behaviour and how to instill a no abuse policy moving forward, but it has not come without difficulty. Leaving a life of abusive relationships can be tricky and dangerous, so I've had to take steps to keep myself safe from people that I am vulnerable to. Is your partner abusive? Is your friends partner abusive? Emotional abuse is abuse. Unfortunately, leaving an abusive relationship is complex and sometimes dangerous. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, take steps to safely reclaim your life or support them while they reclaim theirs.
**If you are spiraling and you feel out of control and you have no one to talk to please consider booking an appointment with me. I do sliding scale consultations for women who are truly in need and cannot afford my rates. Do not be afraid to reach out to me, I love you, I care about you, and I am here for you. If you have no budget at all, you can still email me and I will help you find a support group near you that may be of service to you. You are deserving of love, healing, and security, and I want that for you.
My Partner Takes Advantage of Me and My Money
Words by Chase Kelly & Images by Quinn Cornchip
Time and time again, I hear the same story from strippers, “I pay all the bills for my boyfriend/girlfriend/friend.” With a pretty limitless cash flow, it is super simple to all of a sudden find yourself caring for others and forgetting about yourself. Many of us face similar challenges and the foundation for codependency is already built in many of our lives. I am going to ask you to really consider what you are doing when you take on these dependents. I want you to look inside yourself, tell yourself the truth, and consider a course of action.
- BUT HE NEEDS ME-This is by far the most common and most ridiculous stance to take about your slacker significant other. Your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t need you. His or her mother may have failed to raise an independent person, but survival has been possible for this person before you, and will be possible afterwards. The reality in this situation is more likely to be that YOU need HIM for something, whether it is emotional support, the pattern of chaos you have gotten comfortable in, control over him (or anyone), the sex or whatever, you are keeping him dependent on you, which is a) not giving him the freedom to be the man he could be, and b) keeping you stuck in an unhealthy cycle. Take some time to think about your motives, and don’t you dare say:
- I KNOW HE’D DO IT FOR ME– No. He wouldn’t. In fact, he couldn’t. Don’t you think there is a reason that he chose you, a financially capable adult who mothers him now that he is too grown to be mothered at home anymore? You have become his replacement mom, and he has grown as dependent on you as he was on her. An adult who allows themselves to be financially supported by anyone but themselves, even if only for a short time, does not have the financial, emotional, or intellectual strength to EVER give it back. That’s why you need to take the focus on him and
- SHIFT BACK TO YOURSELF- The reality, as ugly as it is, is that you literally give your money to someone else so you don’t have to think about what to do with yourself. It’s scary being all grown up, all on your own, with more money than anyone else you know, but with less structure and almost no rules. As an adult, it is up to you to to draw an outline of where you’d like to be and create a survival plan. No one can help you do this, but people will certainly get in the way of allowing you to, if you let them.
- YOU WILL BE OKAY ALONE-Keeping someone dependent on you is cruel. You don’t even realize you’re doing it, and next thing you know, you own someone’s life and you can weigh in on everything they are doing and not even thinking about what you should be doing. Have the strength to look in the mirror and say “What good can I do for myself today?” Empower yourself and empower those you love by doing only for yourself. Do not share your power with others, and do not drain the power from others for yourself, simply harness your own.
DON’T BE CRUEL-As pissed as you get at your dependent for needing you, it is unfair to yell at them or tell them that they are inferior because you take care of them. You may not have created this problem, but by paying for the groceries, paying the rent, buying him a car or paying the bills on the one he has, you have become a part of it. Simply stop. Explain to your lover that you are on a savings plan, you have goals (consider what they are) and you need to meet them. Explain that your dance years are limited and you plan on making the money you make gain interest and grow so you can care for your family and for yourself long into retirement.
PREPARE FOR THE MELTDOWN-He isn’t going to like it. Be prepared to calmly close the door. Save the drama for your Momma, you pathetic man-child!
FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST WATCH THIS VIDEO IF ANYTHING APPLIES <3 I LOVE YOU
Addiction and Stripping
Images & Words: Chase Kelly
I cannot think of a more important and poignant topic to write on for my first entry of this blog. If you yourself have never had to deal with being dragged onto the merry-go-round of drugs/alcohol/stripper lifestyle, you have surely watched someone else go for a ride. Dancing is often extremely taxing mentally and emotionally, and with a limitless supply of cash, alcohol, and (depending on the club) pills, powder, ecstasy, heroin, and meth, things can go downhill pretty quickly.
Many girls are already volatile upon entering the club for the first time. For whatever reason, each of us has made the decision to ignore the status quo and expose ourselves to strangers, in some cases allowing them to touch us (and more.) The coupling of our prior dysfunction and our current level of freedom can often overshadow our desire for normalcy and protection. Entering this profession, many of us already have self esteem issues and the club does not make it much easier. Of course, each person has a uniquely crafted constitution, and for some it is easier to cope with the physical and emotional trauma associated with dancing, however for some people it is devastating. Depending on your background, your emotional health, and your unique experiences, you may end up (or may have already) battling with addiction.
As with any difficult task, our minds find ways to make the challenging tasks easier. I talk a lot about habit and ritual throughout Survive the Club, because I have seen first hand the effect habits have on humans. Ritualization makes it easier for the mind to create concrete information and organize it, which is precisely why it makes such an obvious coping mechanism. Whether you notice what you are doing or not, each one of us has a specific routine that becomes part of our “getting ready” process. When I ask myself honestly, I have to admit that for about 95% of dancers I’ve met, having a drink, a hit, or a bump has become part of their nightly routine. If you are one of these girls, get rid of the ritual immediately! Even if you decide to still use, try not to make it nightly, and definitely don’t make it ritual; ritual=habitual.
If you are worried that you might be developing a problem, you CANNOT ignore it. You are in a very scary position, one where you literally are completely alone. Most of us do not have the luxury of insurance, workman’s comp, unemployment, and disability benefits. For many of us, our family structures are faulty and unable/unwilling to aid us. We have bosses and coworkers who don’t care, we don’t have schedules, responsibilities, or anyone asking after us. Many of us have boyfriends, but many of those boyfriends aren’t always exactly what we’d hope for them to be. It would be an understatement to say that we, as women (and especially as women in the adult industry) have been disappointed before. I think it would be a stretch to suggest that we would be surprised if it happened again. We have seen enough of humanity to know: we need to take care of ourselves.
If you do nothing else right now, start looking into insurance that will cover treatment should you decide you need it in the future. It is almost impossible to get treatment for addiction with no money, and unfortunately, if your use is linked with your job, you will probably have to find another way to make an income. It is definitely better to address the situation before it is too late. Camming is always an option for girls who cannot say no.
If you know you’re in trouble, it’s ok. There is help, and there are people who care. I urge you to find an addictions therapist and find a support group immediately, like AA. It would also be a good idea to order a book or two off amazon dealing with you think are your core issues and start getting to the bottom of them. Addiction is a terrible struggle, but there IS hope, and there is a better way. Getting through it may be painful, but waiting too long to get help could be fatal. I know you know what a really bad-off veteran stripper looks like, and I don’t think you want to imagine what she must feel like inside.
It is really important for all dancers to realize that on any given night, there are girls in your club that are fighting to stay clean and sober. If it is not in your power to stay sober, or if you simply do not want to, please consider these girls. Talking about drugs in front of a person struggling to stay sober will trigger addictive cravings, which are multiplied by being inside the club. Practice compassion every day, even at work. I know you’re grown, I know it’s your body, but it’s just so much easier and rewarding to be conscious of other people’s struggles, and support them. One day you might need people to consider your triggers. Everyone else has turned their backs on us, we need to at least be there for each other. Please use drugs discreetly, and please keep your conversations private.
Peace and love,
your neighborhood stripper.
Fetish & Overexposure in the Sex Industry
Photos: Quinn Cornchip
Words: Chase Kelly
If I had all the answers, I would give them to you, but this site is about more than just how to be a stripper. The reason I started SurvivetheClub was not to teach you how to make money, although I am happy to do that. What I really wanted to tell you about is how to stay sane in such an insane world. The long and short of it is, you kind of can’t–the more of an explorer you are, the more attraction you have to the bizarre, the longer you stay in the industry, and the more money hungry you are, the higher your exposure is going to be to really unsavory things.
The sex world and kink world are strange. Some of you love it and live for it, but as far as strippers go, I’ve met more that are baffled as to why someone would want to buy their socks than those who understand it and know exactly how to work a fetish customer. In time, most of us figure it out whether we want to “get it” or not.
Consider this post a warning. You don’t need to “get it” if you don’t want to, but that needs to be a boundary that you set on your own. Is sex dirty? Not really, but sometimes people’s kinks can be scary, disgusting, demeaning to women, violent, or just plain weird. Sometimes they are just too grown up for you. I think the girls who get this the worst are the very young ones, and they are the girls who should avoid it the most. You should still have access to “normal sex fantasy” in your brain, and too much bizarre will wipe that out. Additionally, some of us are victims of sexual abuse, some of us aren’t. You need to respect your past and realize that some stuff CAN get in your head and mess with you. Consider where you are in your head before you decide to take on “weird” customers.
The strip club is just one of the places that people come to live out their fantasies. Some people would argue that the hard core kinksters know where to go to explore their fantasies and it’s not a strip club, and they’d be right, but let’s talk about how dangerous a fetishist can be WITHOUT training, or the specific creeps who only like girls who don’t know what’s going on. They target strip clubs, and they go for the youngest and most scared looking girl they can find, and they expose her to their weird kinks because they are into how “green” she is. When I was 18, this was the majority of my customer base and I had NO CLUE what I was doing/how much I should be charging to dump food down my customer’s pants or burn his tongue with my cigarette. I also had no idea what an impact all of this stuff would have on my personal life down the road.
I had so much experience with fetish was when I was young, and some of it was awful and terrifying. I was stalked, tricked, lured into places I shouldn’t have gone, attacked, manipulated, and slightly damaged. Later, I set out to understand this lifestyle and take my power back. I started taking private BDSM clients as a way to assert myself and make extra cash, and I wish I hadn’t ever felt that I needed to. Hindsight being 20/20, fetish is really meant for the people who choose it, it isn’t meant to be chosen for you. Customers don’t care about your psyche–they will expose you to whatever weird shit lives in their brains. Some of them are crazy and don’t care about your physical well being either. Some of them are loose cannons, and honestly if you don’t know how to deal with them, they can get in your brain and mess with you, or they can physically harm you. If you don’t know how to handle these customers and want to learn, I will help you, but if you DON’T want to learn, and don’t want to think about this stuff, that is your right and you should keep your head clear of all of it by avoiding it.
I feel like most fresh strippers never consider what their exposure will be like, they think it’s just normal guys who are bored of their wives, but please be aware that there is A LOT of other stuff happening in the sex industry, things that you will eventually be exposed to. Some of you will welcome that, and that is, of course your prerogative. Those of you who value your innocence, who don’t want to become jaded, who don’t want to “know to much” or be spoiled with too much candy, those of you who want to live a “normal” life outside of the sex industry in the future, those of you with small children or plans to have them, may want to rethink your role in this industry or what you allow yourself to be exposed to. You are an independent contractor. Don’t EVER think you need to spend time with a guy just to get his money. If he freaks you out, walk away, there is more money. I don’t care how bad you need that $200–don’t infect your subconscious with things you cannot handle! Sometimes it’s best to leave the freaks to the pros, and realize that there is NO SHAME in not being a pro in this industry (there is no shame in being one, either!)
To leather!
Chase Kelly
RELATED POST: Stripping is not child’s play: controlling your conditioning
Can Being a Stripper Ruin My Career
Words by Chase Kelly
Images Quinn Cornchip
I’m a nosy person, so I keep an eye on what y’all google that lands you here at SurviveTheClub.com. Mostly it’s “How to be a stripper” “Become a stripper” “How to strip” “Learn To strip” “Stripper Tips”, etc, etc. but today I saw a really interesting search that landed a girl here, and maybe it’s something we need to talk about. This girl googled “can stripping ruin my career?”
While what you do in your personal time SHOULD be your business, and you shouldn’t be judged for it, the reality is that if you want to keep your life a secret, find one of those jobs filling out online surveys online and NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. If you want to get into the adult industry in any way, I have to tell you that people WILL find out, and they WILL have opinions. Whether it’s your coworkers or your family members, the risk is high that people will at some point condemn you either publicly or privately for being a stripper. In my years in this industry, I have seen girls get thrown under the bus by siblings, stalkers, former classmates, frenemies, nemeses, and my personal favorite: their boyfriends. The fact that you dance, if you choose to keep it a secret from your coworkers or family or significant other, will inevitably become ammunition for anyone who ends up “in the loop” of your life. Your secret can become your greatest weakness, as secrets often do.
Maybe if you traveled to work and told no one about your job, you could get away with it–maybe–but this job is very isolating and not having anyone you can talk to about it could drive a sane woman mad. If you decide to dance and you don’t want people to know, I highly recommend a therapist who you can vent to about work. If you ARE going through this experience all alone, you might consider getting active in some online communities. Rebecca has forums for girls who are in enrolled in stripper school and there are also some forums on stripperweb. I have met a couple girls who swear by sticking to yourself at the club and in life in order to keep yourself as “normal” as possible, but if you’re like me, normal isn’t as important as happy. I feel blessed to have experienced the good times and the bad with friends. Having the freedom to be “out” about my job has made me less vulnerable to stigmatization and self-hatred through this leg of my journey. I’m not sure if I could have handled juggling dancing and building a career. The stress of being found out and taken down would be too strong.
The great conundrum about dancing is that it’s too “grown up” for most girls under 24, but a good chunk of girls over 24 are too “grown up” to jeopardize their reputations with the label. Do you have experience juggling work and a job? Share your stories in the comments. We need to talk!
Wolves Are Pack Animals, You Know
Words by Chase Kelly
Images Quinn Cornchip
Humans are pack animals, but strippers are so often lone wolves, darting through life avoiding . “Isolating” is probably the leading term I hear when discussing sex work, “crazy” being second. Of course some of us have a little crew that we hang with, and some always go to work with our BFF , but the advice we hear most often is “don’t get too close to the other dancers,” as if these women are bad or tainted, the mainstream view is that it’s best not to get too close to the “crazy.”
But what if the crazy is sort of relatable? Strippers ARE a little crazy, but isn’t every single person you have ever met? CEO or high school teacher or escort, crazy is a term that has been overused and shoved down our throats, and now it has effectively made us feel ashamed of ourselves and afraid of others.
Most of my friends are dancers from one place or another, or they are people trying to learn how to strip or how to quit stripping, and they have become like a motley adopted family to me when I sometimes can’t find anyone else who understands. All of them are unique and all of them have their own personal weaknesses. Some of them work hard at those weaknesses until they become strengths, and those people are my heroes. (Thank you, you know who you are.)
My personal struggles in this industry have been real and the lessons have been intense. Why would I ever want to avoid the other women who are experiencing or will experience or have experienced a similar struggle? I don’t. I want to hug them and show them that if they follow their dreams and refuse to go down the dark path and stay diligent, that they can build an empire and make amazing things happen.
I want each person who walked that rocky path to get here to know that there is always balance in the world. If it has been cold for you, it doesn’t always have to be that way. The warm world is welcoming, it just takes work to change the cycle. You’ve got it in you.
I know the struggle has been hard, and I know many of you still have much more climbing to do before you reach the top of the mountain, but those of you who have figured it out, please pass it on. If you have recovered from addiction, if you have learned to deal with your family issues, walked away from an abusive relationship, or survived losing people you love, or even if you recently learned to budget and save, pay your taxes, or raise a child with morals, ethics and boundaries, pass that information on to someone who needs it. Listen when people talk to you and help a sister out. Remind one another that you are all important. Remember what you needed when you were down and give it to someone, even if no one gave it to you.
I know for a fact that a person with a very impoverished and abusive past can take what they learn in this industry, invest what they make, and completely change their lives. I also know that the bumps in the road are sometimes bigger than we expect, and they end up killing some of us. Hold your hand out, a candle loses no light by igniting another.
*all photos by Annett Turki
Strippers and Loverboys: How Manipulative Men Leech off of Powerful Women
Sex workers and strippers face so many of the same issues when it comes to relationships. Can a stripper have a boyfriend and not be miserable? Yes. Are those relationships few and far between? Absolutely. Even as dancing becomes more accepted, the stigma remains the same for the majority of men.
If you’re under 24, you’re labeled as a person with no self esteem and daddy issues. If you are over 25 or have children, you are a “single mom with no other choice.” We know men are going to judge us and when they are angry, we know the easiest target is our jobs. That’s something that’s hurt me, but it’s something I can live with. It really helps me detach from someone actually–when they are so low to call me names because of my job. Goodbye, sir. You are done.
What I can’t live with is the manipulation. What many dancers don’t realize when getting into relationships is that there is a large number of men looking for “sugar mamas” or even subsidiaries (there are stripper pimps, you know about them if you live in the South or North East) and sex workers are known for having expendable income and a lack of love in their lives. There are wolves looking for lambs who need to be loved, and which one of us can definitively say that we don’t need it? It’s really hard for a boyfriend to be comfortable with a job like ours, so if early on your guy seems way too comfortable or encouraging, don’t be ashamed of doing a little homework.
A parasitic boyfriend won’t complain about your job ever, because he plans on paying his bills with your ass. Please watch your money. Please don’t give it to anyone, please only invest in yourself. Please never trust someone who expects you to purchase their affection (unless, of course, you have hired them to do that, like so many men have hired us to do.) Please know your worth (priceless) and require that your needs are met (or walk!)
Stripping Isn't a Fall Back Plan
Words: Chase Kelly
Images: The Uncensored Stripper
Images of young girls accompanied by the words “Fuck it, I’ll be a stripper” have been littered all over the internet as of late. Our generation has adopted a belief system that says that women are too weak, stupid, unmotivated, or damaged to assimilate to modern society. The strip club offers a lucrative alternative in which financial planning isn’t necessary to immediate survival, so it’s expected that girls who have an underdeveloped sense of self-esteem, body issues, or a history of trauma will just “give up” and become strippers. They don’t know what else to do. Although these women actually exist, there is a serious imbalance between the “stripper princess” and “lowlife stripper” ideals that are being portrayed in the media, and it’s up to us to set them straight. They are BOTH inaccurate.
For me, being a stripper does not mean giving up on life, but I also know that being pretty and getting paid for it doesn’t make me royalty. This industry is full of amazing, powerful women, many of whom have been soldiers from the day they sashayed out of the womb, all pink, bubbly, and ready to take on the world. They have done everything but given up, they have found a new model for success. However, despite the fact that being a dancer will not make you weak, pathetic, addicted, or ‘slutty,’ in large part, making this decision requires awareness that other people will see you in a negative light when they find out what you do, and if you are running the risk of becoming the girl who dances because she can’t do anything else; it’s time to change that.
The reality is that a lot of dancers do start to embody awful things, because they fail to plan, prepare, or take responsibility for their lives. Dancing is a cop out for a lot of people who can’t figure it out any other way. You need to make sure that it isn’t you who turns out badly, all while dealing with the fact that some people will always confuse you for those strippers who really can’t get it together.
Perhaps you are thinking, “I have already been labeled my entire life, I really don’t care if people think I’m a stripper whore or not,” and that is a realistic sentiment. Chances are, if you are beautiful, you have already been labeled a ‘slut’ or a ‘bitch’ for your entire existence, whether or not you’ve promiscuous or rude. You have learned to live with being judged, and in your short life you have grown accustomed and calloused to being hollered at, coveted, objectified, targeted, and dumbed down. It’s your right to do what ya wanna, and I hold the ability to customize my lifestyle very near and dear to my heart. I just wanted to remind you all that you are in charge of yours, and no matter what anyone thinks, if you’re setting proper goals and hitting them, it’s of no consequence what anyone else thinks.
Stripper in Solitude: The Lonely Symptom of the Sex Industry
Words & Images: Chase Kelly
Even if you are a really great stripper and a really great person, there will be a time in your stripping career that it seems like every person you work with hates you. It’s a thing, I think, that happens to most every woman at some point, whether you’re a stripper or not. Girls do this community thing that can be really beautiful, but the dark side shows when you are the one on the outside of the clique. Sex work is alienating enough, so when you combine the discomfort of being naked for strangers with feeling unwelcome at the club, it can send you into an emotional whirlwind. Being the lone soldier can feel stifling, but you aren’t stifled. You’re good, girl. There are healthy ways to deal with this kind of stuff that actually work in your favor. There are also very unhealthy ways to deal with it that will leave you broke and questioning every choice you’ve ever made. No matter which direction you focus your energy, a domino effect is bound to happen.
When we do something positive in one aspect of our lives, it tends to have a positive impact on other parts. In these scenarios, when you’re feeling totally alone and depressed, there are things you can focus on that will make you feel better which will in turn make you a better person and in turn will make you more money. You don’t have to turn self conscious, you don’t have to let it ruin your money, and you don’t have to deal with it at all, really. You can control your emotions and your actions to get the results that you want from your life, and like 50 said, “If they hate then let em hate and watch the money pile up.”
The simple answer, obviously, is to find another club. Unless you live somewhere that you are at the only nearby club, you could just go somewhere else where you don’t know anyone. Eventually, people will find someone else to pick on and you could go back to your old club, but who knows, by then maybe you’ll love the new club more. Maybe you love your club or have no other options, though! Maybe you have regulars, feel safe, comfortable, and happy! It’s probably the case, actually, because no one picks on the girl who isn’t a threat. That’s the simple solution, but life isn’t as simple as it should be, really.
Being the new girl is always a bread winner, and it’s good to feel uncomfortable at a strip club. The feeling of “home” keeps us from working. If you’ve been at your club for more than a year, you know you are guilty of putting your feet up and gossiping in the dressing room instead of working. You know sometimes you straight up ignore customers so you can finish your conversation. Don’t kid yourself! You could be making more money and dealing with fewer haters. People aren’t always welcoming to the “new girl” but best believe they don’t have any dirt on you!
Maybe switching clubs isn’t an option, though. Maybe it’s not appealing to you at all and you’re staying put no matter what. Cool! I applaud your resilience. You have no choice but to be on top of your game. You have to look great and let the haters be your motivation…this should be your truest test of how great of a dancer you are. If you can smile the warmest smile to that fifty year old finance exec in the Prada loafers and look through your enemies as though they aren’t even there, you have officially made it. There is no reason to bring up people’s distaste of you unless the customer notices it and brings it to your attention. At that point, laugh it off and drop it! “Yeah, girls can get a little jealous sometimes, but they’re all nice enough girls. Im just gonna stay with you until they find someone else to pick on!” ::wink wink::
Don’t fuel the fire. Don’t talk about it at all. Let their anger hurt their money, but don’t let someone else’s negativity take cash from your hand! No one has control over you. You came to work to work, and you aren’t letting a bunch of girls who don’t pay your bills determine your income. Girl, you’re doing it. You should be top earner every night you are the most hated. If not, stay home. Find another club. Figure out why everyone hates you and fix it.
Stripping Into Luxury
“I’m thinking about moving into a loft,” my nineteen year old stripper consult confessed in our session this week. “I have been making a lot more since we started [our consultations], and I feel like I deserve it. My boyfriends house is so nice and I always feel like I’m slumming it around him.”
I was quiet for a second. I’ve heard this before. I’ve said this before. I traced my thoughts back to a time when my best stripper friend and I decided to move into a loft ourselves, one that lasted the full six month lease and was quickly abandoned for another massive mistake of a rental. “Twenty six hundred dollars!” we reasoned, “that’s only one good night of work each!” and in fact, it was. The elation of getting approved for such an incredible place made us feel rich and fabulous. We had made it. We had been dreaming of living somewhere so magnificent all of our lives. We moved in without hesitation.
Our loft was gorgeous, two beautiful stories of warehouse heaven, and inside of it sat five whole pieces of furniture: one brown Pottery Barn couch against the back wall, two ikea stools (where we ate the zero meals we had at home,) one mattress (with headboard) on the floor in her room, and one mattress (with box spring, no headboard) on my floor. We considered buying furniture, really, but we set our sights on chandeliers (10 nights work for a $10,000 piece of lighting heaven, plus our friend Riot had one! If she could do it so could we. Maybe even a customer would buy it for us!), a giant movie poster for Metropolis (neither of us had seen it, but it just looked so great. It was only $1,500. Easy!), Design Within Reach couches (starting at fifteen k,) and hand made coffee tables off of etsy, because we wanted it to have a personal touch. We never bought any of those things, though. It seemed actually a lot more difficult to come up with ten grand than we had originally anticipated! We had clothes to buy, manicures to get, lip glosses to collect! Plus bills, and starbucks, and food every day (we never really cooked). It was kind of seeming like we’d never decorate our loft. Three months later the lease was halfway up anyway. “Next time, we should get a house. This is too hard to manage!” we said, but mostly we were stoned so we didn’t really care.
Looking back into the past, I tried to think about what I would say to Clarissa (my client) to explain to her the mistake I had made. It really didn’t sound so bad when I looked back, but I knew it was and I searched for the words to say it. Instead, I pulled out my calculator. $18,700 in six months. Almost twenty THOUSAND dollars we spent so we could feel like a couple of boss bitches.
“Clarissa, I did that once. You shouldn’t do it, you know? If you’re comparing yourself to your boyfriend in a way that makes you feel inferior because of what you spend on housing, he probably isn’t right for you. Dating and friendship shouldn’t feel like a competition,” and she told me I was right, but I knew in her heart, she was still thinking LOFT. “Even if it was a competition, though, would spending rich person money really make you feel like you won? You’re not a rich person. You could break an ankle tomorrow and be screwed, but your boyfriend has job security and a wealthy family and a retirement plan! He is winning even if you live in a mansion. I mean as of right now, you have barely enough money in your savings for a security deposit on a loft and you’re already trying to spend it?!” I was starting to feel kind of guilty. I love Clarissa, and I wanted her to have everything she had ever dreamt of. I knew living in a beautiful home would increase her self esteem and make her feel more powerful, but I also knew that in six months my friend and I spent over eighteen thousand dollars on rent in an apartment we couldn’t even afford to furnish. I didn’t want Clarissa to make the mistake we had. There is so much we could have done with that money that we never had a chance to do. We could have put a generous downpayment on a house with that much, or we could have started a savings that would turn into a future investment plan down the road. We could have lived for a few solid years in Thailand. We could have opened a yoga studio and lived a zen lifestyle with real happiness and not the hollow kind that comes from twenty thousand dollar couches.
That loft was six years ago, and I still shake my head at my foolishness. I didn’t need to keep up with my rich friends. I didn’t need to prove that stripping was the right choice by flossing out of control. I needed to chill the fuck out. I needed to spend half that money and live in a cute apartment with my friend and decorate from thrift stores and cook at home. I needed to let myself be a kid. Instead, I made myself hard to relate to by my non-stripper friends, set myself back financially, and ended up ashamed of selling my sexuality for such a temporary thing. Women and children are literally sold at auction for a tiny fraction of that amount into sex slavery for their entire lives, and here I was spending it on six months of rent. I was not Paris Hilton, and I didn’t need to live like her.
“Clarissa.” I said sternly. “I know you are agreeing with me but still you have your heart set on that Miami Beach luxury lifestyle, but I need you to listen to me. This is serious. Please don’t strip so that you can impress people with all the shit you have. Be better than that. Stop caring what your boyfriend thinks. If he thinks you are anything less than a brilliant, beautiful young woman with a great head on her shoulders, he doesn’t deserve you. No one worth their salt would value a person who spends frivolously what they don’t actually have than one who saves and plans and lives beautifully within their means. Spend money on creating sanctuary in your home no matter the size. Spend money on giving what you can afford to charity and save the rest to support yourself or your family through sickness and tough times that inevitably impact all human lives. It won’t cost but a few hundred dollars to decorate with things that make you feel strong and proud. Flossing when you live a fast cash lifestyle is not wise and if your boyfriend knows anything about life on the planet, he knows that only a fool would give money away rather than paying ones self first.” Don't forget what you're selling for a fancy apartment. Make it worth it. Save for a house.
Boundaries for Stripper Moms
Lots of single moms strip. It’s not a new concept, we all know how expensive and exhausting it is to be a mother, and there are few jobs as flexible and lucrative as stripping to help you along the way if your sperm donor isn’t holding up his end (and even if he is.) It’s not a crime to dance and be a mom. It’s normal for lots of people, and really it’s better than exposing your children to poverty. Children shouldn’t have to handle that reality. There are other realities that come along with it that they shouldn’t have to handle either, frankly. I am not a mom, so I have been hesitant to post about motherhood and stripping, but a discussion I walked in on last week has backed me into a corner. I have to write this or my conscience won’t let me forget it. I hope it helps someone out there.
I’m not a mom, but I had a mom. My mom did some sketchy shit, let me be really up front. Her dating life was weird and I was privy to more of it than I should have been, to be honest. The older I get, the easier it is to piece together all the weird things she got involved with that likely eclipsed the parts of her that I was aware of. As a kid though, everything in my life seemed normal. That’s really true for all of us. When you’re a child, you lack the range of experience to be able to compare yourself to what’s actually normal. This is the kind of thing that follows us throughout our lives. The stuff your mom let you be a part of molded you, and the stuff she excluded you from, if she was good enough at concealing it, hopefully didn’t infect your young mind and distort you. Ideally, your mom’s weirdness doesn’t become apparent until you are old enough to be able to digest it…in other words, until you have the scope you needed in order to determine if it’s right or wrong.
I was protected from a lot, thank god, but the stuff I wasn’t protected from has formed the core of my own personal struggle. Relationships were the weak spot my mom exposed me to, and now forming a healthy one has become greatest challenge. My mom tried to hide things from me, but of course, kids are SMART. Not everything was concealed as well as she thought it was. Nevertheless, her intentions were good: adult stuff was for Mom, and kid stuff was for me. I have my suspicions about what my mom did while raising me to supplement her income, but I have no proof at all. No part of my childhood includes memories of my mom as anything but my mom. Whatever she did for work was a blissful mystery to me.
In my fourteen years in the industry, though, I have seen some other approaches to parenthood. Some were bearable, although you do feel bad for the thirteen year old boy who knows his mom strips in the town they live in, but technically, not illegal, and definitely not the worst case. I have seen toddlers with Daddy playing in the parking lot at two thirty AM, waiting for Mommy to come home. I have seen babysitters storm into dressing rooms drunk, screaming, “Your kids in the car! He’s been in that bitch all night! Get your ass home!” and thought to myself, “Is this it? Is this when we call CPS?” (CPS stands for Child Protective Services, for those of you who don’t know.)
Last week, I walked in on a dressing room convo between two girls I don’t know at all. I was guesting at a club I don’t usually work at. I was touching up my face next to a couple girls talking about Seeking Arrangement, and my nosey ass opened my ears up for the convo. I’m going to name the girls Pink and Green for the colors they were wearing.
Pink: I didn’t really have a choice, I had no babysitter.
Green: You ALWAYS have a choice. Listen to me. Don’t EVER bring your kid on a date with a dude. Ever.
Pink: No it’s cool. She’s only two and a half, she don’t know what’s going on. She just sat and chilled while we ate. It’s not like we did anything, it was just lunch.
Green: Yo. Seriously, kids are smart. That’s not cool, don’t do that.
Pink: We weren’t fuckin or nothing. It was just a date to talk about maybe if it was gonna work, but that site is wack. It probably won’t be anything.
Green: You’re not really listening to me, so fuck it, do what you want, but listen. I’ve been a ho. I’ve been a two hundred dollar ho, and I’ve been a two thousand dollar ho, but none of it has had anything to do with a kid. I’m not judging you but you cannot bring your kid on dates with tricks. A trick is a trick, and you cannot involve your kid with any part of it.
[OK THIS SHIT IS RAW AND PINK LEGIT IS IGNORING HER. I interject because I can’t keep my mouth shut ever.]
Me: Listen to her, dude. She’s right, this girl is smart. You should thank her for taking the time to talk to you, she could save your kids life.
Green: Your daughter is smart and you are writing on her soul. You can’t undo that. She is a little girl. If you want to write on your daughters soul, that’s your choice, but she will live with what you teach her for the rest of her life.
I think it stuck with Pink. Really. It stuck with me. I hope it did, because what she shows her baby will certainly stick with her.
Your kids are only young once. You think they’re tough, you think they can handle reality, you think you’re doing your best all the time, and I hear that. Parenthood looks hard as hell and I commend every one of you who handle it like the bosses you are, but a little discretion goes a long way. It is your job as a parent to protect your child from things that might hurt him or her. Your job is most certainly one of those things. The more you do it, the more normal it becomes for you, but this line of work is not normal for most adults. Don’t poison your kid’s soul by making it normal for him or for her. Sex is for when we understand it. No two year old, five year old, or ten year old needs to know about it. In fact, when you DO start talking about sex, please make sure you’re doing it for him or for her, when he or she is ready. Your sex life does not have to be a part of your child’s life. To Ms. Green, thank you. You are the realest one. I wish we had gotten to know each other better.
To Miss Pink, I hope you heard her. I hope you hold your baby close and keep her safe from all of it. If I were a mom, I wouldn’t even bring my shoes home, y’all. For real. My prayers to her and to you and to all of your babies. Keep them in their blissful youth for as long as you can, quit this job, and let them see you shine in whatever your dream job may be. Inspire those kids, man!